[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years