[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?