[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries