[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.