Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
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According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class