@mistakentweets: Texting...because men didn't have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.
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@Velocycrator: Whenever I'm alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I'm a carrot.
@RowdyBowden: Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
@SerenityRising: "If you can't handle me at my diddliest, you don't deserve me at my doodliest." -Ned Flanders