@mistakentweets: Texting...because men didn't have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.
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@Whymze: [pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
@WilliamAder: I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe "space" was just tired.
@timdonakowski: Been married six months and I can't even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
@SCbchbum: Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?