Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
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I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
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This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.