@_davidlucas_: Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
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@TheToddWilliams: I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see...well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job? ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
@TheThryll: Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
@GuyThe_Guy: I didn't want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife's pillows should get the point across that I don't appreciate the way she spoke to me