You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
live, laugh, laundry.
WTF
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.