90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
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Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.