[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
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[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
wait.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed