[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook đź‘Ťđź’›
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive