guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I ate everything, including the H.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?