I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
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I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.