Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
You Might Also Like
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
what’s more important?
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it