Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
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I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Godspeed, John Glenn
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
me linking you to my twitter
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.