life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
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my mom making me talk to relatives
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Just say no
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER