I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
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My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
motivation
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.