Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
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Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
are they though??
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas