[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
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[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.