[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
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-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
inventing words: clothing
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
This trial is so absurd 😭
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.