Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
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“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”