*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
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To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy