Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
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Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?