*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich