me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
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5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”