[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
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Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread