[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
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I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
it’s a van. how do they not know this
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.