*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
hi why am I like this
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Snapes on a plane.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN