*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
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Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.