That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
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I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog: