*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
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women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”