[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
You Might Also Like
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.