ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
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nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich