[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
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I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]