[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
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Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
No chill.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.