Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
The glory of fall.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.