[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
You Might Also Like
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Not messing around
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
This did not end as expected.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
every. time.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Cat.