[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
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Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.