[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
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“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.