[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
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ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.