[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
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Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out