My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If a snake ate a cake
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.