You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
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the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I never needed anything more in my life
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.