I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
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Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.