Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
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[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.