Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
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“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
incredible
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
So the ex texted me
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I can’t be the only one 😂
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Things will get butter, keep churning
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”