A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
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I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Sharon, call the vet
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*