Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
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We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?