If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
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Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
My inexpensive home security system…
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
All set.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
adam and eve had first world problems
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese