Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
You Might Also Like
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Scream sneezers need love too.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.