me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
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To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.